These Damned Hearing Aids

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THESE DAMNED HEARING AIDS

In my head I am hearing a mechanical voice
I must listen to it; I don’t have a choice
My wife was upset, got right in my face
Forced me to buy these damned hearing aids

I’m no longer a man; I’m some lower class
We went to war and she kicked my ass
I’m an old cowboy, whang leather tough
But facing a redhead, that’s not enough

So now I get to hear some real ugly crap
From political speeches to deep ghetto rap
Local street gossip, extraneous noise
All because she insisted on these worthless toys

I will never admit that I might have been wrong
I may be a musician, but that’s not my song
Till Earth is a memory and eternity fades
I’ll still be a-cussing these damned hearing aids

I went into Walmart right straight from the clinic
Bitter and vengeful, a regular cynic
It blew me away, that great noisy crowd
Till I figured it out; I’d turned them up loud

The rocker goes forward to crank up the tone
They can’t be turned off; I’m never alone
They itch like a bugger, stuffed right in my ears
I can hear all those women, their smirks and their jeers

I admit they’re discreet; they don’t show very much
But I feel castrated, emasculated and such
The ends justify the unethical means
By which that mean woman shoved them in my bean

For now I am stuck with hearing it all
The roar of the crowd at the town shopping mall
The rustle of paper, the loud written word
Cat’s treble meow, the too noisy bird

Oh, you bet they work; I can’t deny that
I can hear each small droplet of rain going splat
Yet I still detest these audio blades
That twist in my brain, these damned hearing aids

If perchance I outlive her, I’ll get even yet
I’ll never forgive and I’ll never forget
When comes the cremation, they get burned first
And I’ll spread their ashes with ashes of hers

And if we meet again in some future life
And she asks if I’d like to have her for my wife
I’ll tell her, No thanks; you’re cute in your braids
But you made me wear these damned hearing aids

8 thoughts on “These Damned Hearing Aids

  1. But it was really nice having you hear me without me having to raise my voice. I promise not to make life hard on Dennis to get him to get his. He is wanting to get his hearing checked when we go in next month. He has already had me put it on his list for the Dr. to pay attention to. I speak low, which you know and he can’t hear me most of the time unless I raise my voice.

  2. Oh, I get it, Becky. All I had to do to hear the bunch of you at the table was bump the volume setting one notch from 1 to 2 (it goes to 5). Pam tells me, “What an enhancement to our marriage!”–and I get that, too. But venting this way (with tongue at least partially in cheek) does also go a long way toward helping me maintain a balanced attitude about the experience…and frankly, the humor involved has already helped a few people. Pam chuckled at the poem and her friend Janice absolutely cracked up, which was good for her.

  3. I would imagine it’s uncomfortable having a foreign substance in your ears, but at least now you can hear – whether you want to or not! I’ll bet WalMart was a rude awakening to your auditory senses! 🙂

  4. Oh yeah! Pam couldn’t believe I was dumb enough to go in there wearing the things before I’d gotten used to turning the volume up and down….

  5. I’m glad I could make your day, I could not resist commenting when that popped into my head. I’ve been reading the latest book and the others seem to say it all regarding that. I do want to say don’t quit as I eagerly await each chapter and I hope there’s not long to wait after chapter 120 for the continuation of the story. Thanks for being a great story maker and teller.

  6. Thanks, Mary. I don’t want to wait too long to continue the story, either. That said, I do have a lot of “stuff” that has to get done. I certainly won’t be able to work on the tale every night…or even every week. But it’ll always be percolating in my head and will find its way to publication the first chance it gets.

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