These Damned Hearing Aids



In my head I am hearing a mechanical voice
I must listen to it; I don’t have a choice
My wife was upset, got right in my face
Forced me to buy these damned hearing aids

I’m no longer a man; I’m some lower class
We went to war and she kicked my ass
I’m an old cowboy, whang leather tough
But facing a redhead, that’s not enough

So now I get to hear some real ugly crap
From political speeches to deep ghetto rap
Local street gossip, extraneous noise
All because she insisted on these worthless toys

I will never admit that I might have been wrong
I may be a musician, but that’s not my song
Till Earth is a memory and eternity fades
I’ll still be a-cussing these damned hearing aids

I went into Walmart right straight from the clinic
Bitter and vengeful, a regular cynic
It blew me away, that great noisy crowd
Till I figured it out; I’d turned them up loud

The rocker goes forward to crank up the tone
They can’t be turned off; I’m never alone
They itch like a bugger, stuffed right in my ears
I can hear all those women, their smirks and their jeers

I admit they’re discreet; they don’t show very much
But I feel castrated, emasculated and such
The ends justify the unethical means
By which that mean woman shoved them in my bean

For now I am stuck with hearing it all
The roar of the crowd at the town shopping mall
The rustle of paper, the loud written word
Cat’s treble meow, the too noisy bird

Oh, you bet they work; I can’t deny that
I can hear each small droplet of rain going splat
Yet I still detest these audio blades
That twist in my brain, these damned hearing aids

If perchance I outlive her, I’ll get even yet
I’ll never forgive and I’ll never forget
When comes the cremation, they get burned first
And I’ll spread their ashes with ashes of hers

And if we meet again in some future life
And she asks if I’d like to have her for my wife
I’ll tell her, No thanks; you’re cute in your braids
But you made me wear these damned hearing aids